3 SECRETS ABOUT MY SERVICE IVE NEVER SHARED

Hello beautiful!!!

I’m Kari, I have a little series on my page called #TheKariDiaries where I like to share some advice, personal experiences, and funny shit that’s happened in the past. Feel free to comment down below & #letschat !!💕

Today, I wanna talk about some dark stuff that I haven’t really talked about with anyone before, maybe a little bit with my therapist. I know it’s not my usual light hearted content, but I feel like this is something that might need to be talked about and heard. But #triggerwarning to anyone struggling with anxiety, depression, SA, or PTSD. I might be oversharing in this post and it may be a little overwhelming for some of my readers.. if you’re under the age of 18, if you’re judgmental, if you’re a religious woman here to shame me, or if you don’t have anything kind to say, please don’t read this post. Please move on to another..

My military service. Even writing it out has my heart racing. I was discharged from the Navy last year in May. I joined the military when I was 17 years old, because I didn’t know where else I would go and how I was going to get anywhere without a support system. Foremost, I wanted the military to pay for my education and I needed someone to support me until I was mature enough to pick out a profession I was passionate about. The military taught me a lot of really valuable and important skills and lessons. It wasn’t entirely bad… I met some life long best friends when I was enlisted, I could “afford” to live on my own in San Diego, I learned deep respect and honor, and I started to value how precious life really was.

…But I grew up quick. I feel like I missed out on a lot of things other people were doing at my age. I was doing things someone far more mature should have been doing. And I know I’m still young and I have my entire 20’s ahead of me, but I feel like the drive in me stopped when I got my discharge from the military. I lost a lot of respect from the people around me and I’m terrified to tell new people in my life the truth of why I was discharged because I’m afraid they’ll lose respect for me as a person. It’s hard to say my past doesn’t define me when my defining past isn’t too long ago. When I was discharged, I lost a piece of me that I haven’t been able to find again. Shit, now I’m crying. 😔💕 #embracevulnerability

i try to remind myself that I am not my military service. And a few years down the line, I’ll forget this was something so defining and important to me. I’ll move on and I’ll be put in different positions that will become more relevant to my life. To be honest, I can’t wait for that day.

🌸Secret 1, when I first moved to San Diego, I was mourning my A-School Boo relationship. I thought I was madly in love with him, but really he just used me to help him choose whether or not he wanted to divorce his wife sitting at home. He told me they were in the middle of a divorce, but later when I reached out to her on Facebook, it was clear they had still been together the entire time.. I actually drove back to Texas to talk it out with him and see what was really going on, when I caught him with another girl on base. He refused to admit it was him I saw kissing her in the parking lot. But recently, I found her instagram (tagged through another mutual military friend of ours) and him and the girl he was cheating on me and his wife with, actually got married this past year. Ouch. But while I was mourning him in San Diego, I used to dress up in fancy dresses and go out downtown alone. I’d sit at hotel bars and flirt with the older men there and change my entire story. I’d be a completely different person for a night. Not gonna lie, it felt so good doing it.

🌸Secret 2, since I started talking to older men, I started dating older men. A lot of older men.. I met an Officer in the marine corps my first couple months living in San Diego. He was 31 years old at the time, (10 years older than me), and I lied about my age to him saying I was 24. I was really 19. I used to use my older sister’s ID so it wasn’t hard for me to get by with that lie. We dated on and off for years.. and yes eventually he found out about all of my lies, and he ended up falling in love with me anyway. We never had sex, never been to each other’s home, we kissed a couple times here and there after nights involving way too many drinks. But it never went further than that and I always tried to be with him, but he flat told me he could never take me seriously. After a while I felt like he lost the “older man love crush” title. 🔥 I include this one because in the military, a lot of young women are victims to predators like that in the military. I didn’t realize how disgusting it really was of him to continue to see me anyway after he found out how old I really was. How I know he groomed me is because I’m still trying to find excuses for it to be okay to have him in my life still. I continued to date older men because I was comfortable with them after this one and it created such a negative impact on other relationships I tried to have with people my own age. Please be careful with who you put your trust in. 🔥

🌸Secret 3, I could have held a relationship while I was enlisted, but it was so fast paced that I wanted someone new all the time. 2 years I lived in San Diego, and in 2 years I had sex with over a dozen men. I remember almost every single one, a couple are foggy memories from drunk nights out with my friends, but mostly, they were men I saw more than once which is why I remember all of them so well. I wanted a secure relationship so badly but no one wanted to commit to me because they all secretly knew I had been talking, dating, and having sex with other men. I had a “f*** buddy” for about a year. He was a Navy Seal, and 30 years old. He liked it rough, and he degraded me most times we got together. I convinced him to take me to get beers at a brewery one of the last nights we were together, and he told me while we were out he’s not here to spend too much time on me, he just wanted me to take my clothes off. He used to show up to my apartment and immediately start kissing me and taking his clothes off. How disgusted I feel about it now. No matter how alone you feel, don’t ever be desperate enough that you lose your self respect. I wanted someone to love me, so I kept seeing him. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

I think about these secrets a lot. Almost too often. I’m ashamed of them. But honestly, telling someone about my secrets makes me feel like a weight has been lifted. Like they aren’t just my secrets anymore. They’re ours. Thank you for being here for me. Thank you for reading me. I appreciate you❤️ love you girls.

As always, my DM is forever open to anyone struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm. If you need someone, if you need a saving grace, someone to buy you a drink tonight, or a listening ear. Please reach out to me. You are not alone💕

#militarylife #unfiltered #mentalhealth #shareyourthoughts #militaryrelationship #secret